Unpacking Grief
Grief can be a very challenging topic. For those that resonate with the information shared, my heart truly goes out to you. I encourage you to stay strong, seek support, and remind yourself that this journey is one of the most difficult that you will ever have to endure, but you can do it. You are never alone in your pain, and as much as that statement doesn’t alleviate your circumstances, my hope is that it can still provide a sense of peace and reassurance.
The importance here lays in recognizing that grief is not something set on a specific timetable. It isn’t something that should come with anticipation of a final resolution. Grief becomes a permanent piece of who we are. It then becomes our responsibility of how we allow it to effect what we become. We will always carry grief with us, but let’s put the focus on the things we can do to try to lighten the weight.
Grief is not only narrowed down to the mourning and loss of a loved one. There are many different forms of grief.
Different Forms Of Grief:
Grieving Identity (Example: Loss of a mother or influential figure that altered your personal growth or development)
Child Estrangement (Example: Tarnished relationships with others that are still alive)
Spousal Departure (Example: Loss of a partner that hinders your ability to care for yourself and others)
Loss Of Physical Abilities (Example: Experiencing a traumatic incident or chronic illness that leaves you in an altered physical state leaving you to grieve your old way of life)
Broken Dreams ( Example: Remorse due to personal choice or circumstance that hindered you from pursuing your desired life path or purpose; leaving you grieving over a life not fulfilled or well lived)
The above are only a few solid examples to amplify the fact that grief is not just tied to a physical death. Grief is a valid and all consuming emotion tied to the departure of anything that holds exponential value to us.
Let Me Introduce Myself:
Over the span of my 30 years, I have been forced to endure different faucets of grief across the board. I share my story to encourage others to do the same. I share my story to help others and reassure them that it is okay to not be okay. I share my story to lead by example and show others that it is perfectly fine and totally normal to express your grief.
Spousal Suicide: September 16th, 2023 my boyfriend Nick took his own life. He was 27 years old.
Child Estrangement: Years of hard drug use separated me from my daughter who is now 9 years old. I grieve all the time I lost with her. The guilt of her being void of her mother for countless years.
Loss Of Close Family Member: January 15th, 2022 I lost my Nana. She was the glue that held my entire family together, and the biggest piece of my heart.
Death Of A Friend: The long list of close friends that I have had to say goodbye to due to substance abuse disorder and deteriorated mental health is uncanny.
Quality Of Life: Grief induced by poor choices that lead me to miss out on many monumental life experiences, and delayed milestones.
I have learned the more I’ve tried to bury my grief and pretend that it was not there, the harder life became. I by no means am a medical professional, these are just the things that I have learned along the way….
How We Support Others:
“To truly feel comforted by someone, you need to feel heard in your pain. You need the reality of your loss to be reflected back to you - not diminished, not diluted. It sounds counterintuitive, but true comfort in grief is acknowledging the pain, not trying to make it go away.” - It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss In A Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine
It is a natural response to want to “fix” the situation when we see others experiencing pain. Without purposeful intent we can sometimes follow a guideline of what I would consider “Default Grieving Support Tactics.” By being mindful to avoid doing the following, you can better facilitate helping comfort an individual experiencing grief.
Things To Avoid (Default Grief Support):
Fixing / Rescuing - Making others feel as if their pain is burdensome, or implying their grief is something that needs to be resolved
Must Make Them Feel Better - Dismissing their emotions and portraying that feeling them is not okay.
“At Least….” - Diluting the severity of what they are going through
Sharing Your Own Experience - Turning their grief into something about you.
Distracting - Turning the topic elsewhere. Even though grief is an uncomfortable topic straying away from it does not alleviate it.
Overcompensating - taking excessive measures in attempt to correct or make amends for an error, weakness, or problem.
Enforcing The Different Stages And A Set Timeline For Their Grief - Projecting a false educational narrative on the proper steps to take to work through their own personal and individual situation
Believing There Is A “Right” Way - Enforcing your own beliefs to belittle their progress in processing their grief
Reminding Them To “Be Grateful.” - Emphasizing the importance of being appreciative of all the things that are still going right in their life doesn’t eliminate the suffering over the one thing that is now gone.
Shit That Gets Said That Doesn’t Truly Help:
With the upmost understanding, no one ever really knows what to say when confronted with someone navigating immense grief. Though your intentions might be genuine, here are some things that I can help you void of your vocabulary if your hope is to provide a sense of comfort to others.
“ My __ died too, I get it.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You’ll get stronger.”
“It was their time.”
“This will help you grow.”
“They’re in a better place.”
“At least you still have child/pet/parent.”
“Heaven gained an angel.”
“You still have your whole life ahead of you.”
“Be grateful for what you do have.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
Things People Grieving Wish You Knew…
-How hard it is for me that I still struggle even though time has passed.
-The grief doesn’t go away just because I seem to be in a good mood.
-Whether it was 5 years ago or last week, the pain can feel the same.
-Not everything happens for a reason
-I don’t choose to be sad. I don’t want to be sad.
-Random grief tears will happen and pass. Please don’t make it a big deal
-I want to talk about it. I want to remember ________ I want to say their name and tell stories.
Even though grief can be unsettling, if you have a genuine desire to want to be there and offer sufficient support for others, there are different measures and steps you can take to successfully achieve that.
Society plays a major role in the acceptance of their being a know it all answer when it comes to completely demolishing grief. The more we come to terms with it being a default setting of ours now, the better and more proactive we can be in obtaining a new life for ourselves.
The pressure of others around us and society as a whole pushing the fact that we’re just supposed to “get over it.” can be crippling and cause those suffering to really isolate.
Often times those grieving, even if it’s not physically being voiced, DO want to talk about it. Not to resurface the pain, but to feel a sense of security, comfort, and understanding. By creating a space and opportunity for them to share without a sense of critique or judgement you allow that individual to work through that heavy internal turmoil.
The best thing you can do is listen. Truly listen. Allow them to speak without interruption or turning the conversation in a different direction. Do not try to negotiate their feelings or their train of thought. Meet them where they are at, and reassure them that what they are experiencing is valid.
Don’t assume you know what they are experiencing.
When someone passes on, it leaves those behind with not much to grasp onto. Sometimes, grief is all we have left to hold onto of a person. Do not try to take that away. Instead ask the individual to tell you a story about the other person, share a beautiful memory that they hold. Help them not mourn over their loved ones passing, but join in on celebrating everything that they were to them.
What Are You Doing For Yourself?
The factor of most importance does not reside in the help we may or may not receive from others during our times of hardship, but in the help that we are willing and able to give to ourselves.
What are you doing to take care of you? I know it’s hard. I speak from no other referenced text or piece of written literature here… I can only share what I know from going through the motions myself.
Each day is one of it’s very own. Grief has a way of always making itself apparent regardless. In the moments I find myself consumed in sadness, it can easily send me downhill to the point of suffocation.
Then on the other side of that, there are moments filled with newfound joy. A smile or a laugh, then just as fast, get slapped across the face with a rush of sorrow - reminding me that life is not the same void of the things I wish were still present with me in that very moment.
I wish I could tell you that these occurrences eventually faded away to be completely absent. But, that’s just not the case. I have just done my absolute best at learning how to push through them. I put in the effort to not let grief rob me of the rest of the life, I have been given the chance to still live. Here are some things that I try to habitually practice that have helped me keep my head above water…
TO DO LIST:
Basic Self- Care : Are you eating something? Drinking water? Getting some sleep? Though these mundane tasks might seem overwhelmingly difficult it’s super important that you pay attention to them. We must take care of our bodies if we expect our bodies to keep taking care of us. So consider consuming more than just your iced coffee and half a pack of cigarettes.
Grooming: Again proper self-care. Even if you have no where to be, and no one to impress. Continue to show up for yourself. I found it helps if I put my best efforts into putting myself together each day. It really does make you feel better.
Organization Of Your Space: Keeping up on household chores I know is not first on your agenda, however, when surrounded by an environment that is chaotic and unkept it can play a massive part in ones mental well-being.
Keep it simple. Make your bed, wash the dishes, fold your laundry. Not only will checking small tasks off your list give you some sense of accomplishment, but you also set yourself up to not be consumed with the dread of the disaster you’ve accumulated while battling your deuterating emotional state.
Support: You can’t do it alone. I don’t care how far you have yourself convinced that you can succumb your grief by yourself, and yourself only, but you can’t. Isolating. Pretending it hasn’t had any effect on you. Remaining closed off to professional help, or support from friends and family members, is only making the situation that more difficult to handle when it does finally come to the surface. And, it will. Everyone is different. What one might find beneficial the next person might not. That’s okay. But it is important to find what works for you. What you’re comfortable with. Give yourself the ability to find a safe space in which you can vent, share, and be consoled.
I relayed greatly on a select few of my very close friends. I regularly attend monthly Suicide Survivor groups in my local area. I have had the same sponsor for many years now, I turn to her more times than I’d like to admit. In the past, I have been active in seeing a counselor on a regular basis. I’ve attended other support groups, and made an effort to involve myself in some sort of relatable community. I’m telling you, it helps.
Finding Joy- As easy as it might be, to lay in your bed and cry all day long, we can’t do that forever. I made a point to really put any time that I had towards staying busy. Doing things I previously enjoyed, or trying new things. I love to read and write. Journaling has helped me immensely. Journaling has been a lifelong journey for me. As I navigated years of troubled youth, my path struggling with substance abuse disorder, and sorting through my grief, journaling has been a solid foundation for me through it all.
Getting fresh air and spending time outside has a way of always clearing my head a bit. I know for some, they find joy and release in daily exercise. Hey, you won’t find me in the gym, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an outlet that can be effective for you! It all resides in our willingness to get up and try!
Celebration- Just because we lose something, does not mean that they have to stay gone. Just because we can’t physically see our loved ones, does not mean that they are not still with us every step of the way. I have found it to be helpful to still incorporate the things that my loved ones loved, into the things I do, and the way I go about my life, moving forward.
I refuse to let death or grief rob me of the meaningful relationships and bonds I once shared. I keep photos of beautiful memories around my apartment. I named my daughter after both of my grandmothers. I still make my boyfriend’s favorite meal for dinner. I still paint from time to time, because that was something we both enjoyed doing together. I still do things to remember them, and everything that they were.
“It’s very hard to get to a point in your grief where you no longer want to die with them, but you want to live for them.”
Give Yourself Grace- As I have said countless times already…THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE. There is no deadline to meet here. Time goes on, the world keeps spinning, but that doesn’t make us miss our loved ones less desperately. Don’t kid yourself, or pretend to be stoic. Cry if you need to cry. Call a friend if you need to call a friend. Take a nap if you need to recharge. Face the emotions as they come, head on. Right through them.
I still leave Nicks belongings right where they sat the day he walked out the door, to never return. His bodywash still sits on his ledge in the shower. His clothes in the closet. Those are things, on my own time, that will remain, until I’m ready to decide otherwise. Everyone grieves differently, and in this moment, his items are a reminder that he was here. They are little pieces of him, that I am not quite ready to part with, and that’s okay.
I hope those who need it this information was somewhat helpful. I know there is nothing I can do to void what you are currently facing, but I do wish you the absolute best on your independent venture of healing.
I will link below a few additional resources I found to be extremely helpful when it came to helping me navigate my own loss. I hope that they can be of service to you as well.
If you or anyone you know is struggling I am always here to help! Feel free at anytime to send me a message or use the information provided on our contact page to reach out!
I’d love to hear from you! By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can find comfort and strength in our collective wisdom. Your voice matters, and your experiences could provide invaluable insights to others who are struggling. To further this conversation, I'd like to pose a couple of questions for reflection and discussion:
What has been the most unexpected aspect of your grief journey, and how have you dealt with it?
If you could share one piece of advice with someone who's just beginning to navigate their grief, what would it be?
Your insights could be a beacon of hope for others facing similar challenges. Remember, your story has the power to heal, inspire, and connect. Let's continue this important conversation together.
